Dear Miracle Whip, your commercials boasting that you’ll “pump up my ham” aren’t really doing it for me. Stay away from my ham, you creeps.
1 hour ago - 
2
2 I scream, you scream, we all scream for bathtub cobras.
9 hours ago - 5
5 Just so nobody else gets their hopes up, if you hear somebody say the word “repetitions”, there’s almost no chance they’re using a cool new buzz word to refer to “reptile competitions”. So don’t constantly ask them.
3 days ago - 3
3 If your name is Theodore, please be aware that there is a very big difference between “teddy bear” and “Teddy! Bear!”.
3 days ago - 3
3 Some people aren’t ticklish because of choices that they’ve made earlier in their life. For instance, did you know that big muscly dudes with prison tattoos are harder to tickle because of the ink they use in most penitentiaries? I’m serious, you should check it out, but you’ve gotta get right up in there and tickle hard!
6 days ago - 3
3 Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice and there’s like 99% chance I’m going to kill you.
1 week ago - 4
4 Out of all the things I’ve ever eaten, food has to be up there with the best of ‘em.
1 week ago - 5
5 So I was thinking, if we all make a conscious effort to ignore them, maybe worms will get the hint, and stop wriggling grossly on the sidewalk.
1 week ago - 2
2 OH COOOOOOOL!!!!! There’s a guy practicing djembe really close to my bedroom window!
3 weeks ago - 3
3 Big red signs piss me off. I mean… I don’t exactly know how to read, but they get on my nerves, y’know?
3 weeks ago - 2
2 As I continued to eat, I started to think ‘This bag of chips tastes off’ but then, looking down, I realized it wasn’t a bag of chips at all, but a burlap sack full of SCORPIONS! In which case it tasted pretty spot on.
3 weeks ago - 3
3 If you’re trying to figure out whether a guy’s a creep or not, ask yourself ‘Is his mustache thinner than a ghost fart?’. If the answer’s no, you’re on your own.
3 weeks ago - 3
3 Did you hear the one about the good joke?
I’m pretty sure you just didn’t.
3 weeks ago - 4
4 I walked in on my girlfriend looking embarrassed while on the computer the other night, then I heard The Big Bang Theory laugh track. I swear my first thought was ‘I hope she’s skyping the guy she’s cheating on me with, and he’s just really good at impersonations of terrible actors’. Turns out it was even worse. It was the actual show The Big Bang Theory.
3 weeks ago - 5
5 I acted in an old Latin McDonald’s commercial once, but was always starving, because the Hamburglar kept carpe-ing my per diem.
1 month ago - 4
4 
